them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
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the worm is coming from inside the brain
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
What a year we’ve had this week.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
There is no “we” in pizza
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor