If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I never needed anything more in my life
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.