we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here