HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
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Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
how to have fun when you’re poor
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname