INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
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cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig