Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.