90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
You Might Also Like
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”