“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.