I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.