me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“I wouldn’t.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.