I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
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I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Choose your fighter
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.