How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.