Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
For the ones in the back.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?