(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
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“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.