I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info