Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip