We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.