I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.