tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’m giving up for Lent.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.