Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Writing, She Murdered.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.