ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Hello Twits.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN