Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
We’re all getting idioter.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Stick it to the man
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]