Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew