[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
dam girl
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb