*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u