I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I am never leaving this website
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
i would wish you the best but i am the best