When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Are you ok, human???
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
relationship goals
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.