New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
new record!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
LOL
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road