Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.