The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Called it
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill