we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Cndnsd Mlk
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
<- sleeps well with others
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”