the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
motivation
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Imma just leave this here…………
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh