My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Saturday
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.