Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
saving face 👀
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year