One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Milk Cube
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Van Gone
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.