Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.