I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…