Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Sign at work today
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I am crying