Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Jesus Christ lmao
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit