Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Accurate
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.