Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
You Might Also Like
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Ummm
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?