safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If you know, you know
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m a self-made hundredaire
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.