“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I can fix him.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?