You Might Also Like
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
😂💯
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*