The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist