[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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lol
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby