Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Self-cleaning conscience
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂