Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Everything reminds me of my ex
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.