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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far