At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
pep talk
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.